Welcome to Evil Week, our annual dive into all the slightly sketchy hacks we wouldn’t normally recommend. Want to cheat your way to free drinks, play elaborate mind games, or, er, launder some cash? We’ve got all the information you need to be successfully obnoxious.

It’s Evil Week, so let’s talk revenge. This week, let’s put aside the (many) reasons why revenge is a bad idea—all that “revenge is ultimately self-harm” talk or “living well is the best revenge” talk—and focus on the details of personal revenge. Below is a set of rules for revenge, a simple checklist of actionable items to help you plan and execute a campaign to cause problems for your arch-enemy that are not your fault.

These rules are not for the quick-witted type, for whom revenge means punching someone in the face. Such crude, emotional responses lead to escalation, personal danger, and jail time. Revenge, as Khan Noonien Singh said in Star Trek 2, is a dish best served cold, and serving up ice-cold revenge takes planning, time, and personal dedication.

Revenge is messy and can come back to haunt you. Good planning can reduce the chances of your feud turning into a feedback loop that spirals out of control, but there’s no guarantee. So ask yourself if the pain you’re causing your opponent is worth the time, effort, and karmic debt you’re incurring. (Spoiler: Probably not.)