Thanksgiving is known for its endless pickling methods, divisive side dishes, and quarrelsome family members. It’s no wonder hosting can be stressful. Unless you’ve got The Right Stuffing, that is. This series is dedicated to all things Thanksgiving and will help you create dishes that will make it to your table year after year, even if it can’t help you manage your family members.

If there's one thing I've learned from reading every "How to Deep-Fry a Turkey" recipe in 47 years of Thanksgiving and 20 years as a Red Cross volunteer, it's this: Don't deep-fry your turkey; just put it in the damn oven. For the record, I have a very large gas-ceramic kiln in my driveway. I read; I started blowing glass when I was fifteen. I'm all for fire. But when you put hot oil, large frozen birds, flammable vegetation, and drunk people with skin in one place, nothing good happens, in my experience. Still, the assignment was "how to safely deep-fry a turkey," and while I argue that there's really no good reason or way to do it, the safest way to ignore my advice and do it anyway is in an electric deep fryer, indoors.

First, you’ll need to gather your tools and ingredients. I was lucky enough to take advantage of a local kitchen library that loaned me the Masterbuilt Turk ‘n’ Surf turkey fryer/seafood boiler. You can find a wealth of electric turkey fryers on Amazon, and they’ll only cost you a fraction more than the oil you’ll need to fill the fryer. I bought three gallons of peanut oil for $64, and then a small 11-pound gobbler. This fryer was rated for up to 14 pounds, but newer models can handle turkeys up to 20 pounds. You’ll also need any brine or dry rub ingredients you plan to use, heat-resistant oven mitts, and a thermometer for the turkey. Double-check that you know where your fire extinguisher is and that it still works.

Before we begin, we need to establish a foundation of common knowledge of facts: When water meets oil, it splatters. When ice meets oil, it explodes. 400 degree oil will melt your plastic furniture, children’s toys, play structures, and children. It will set your yard on fire. The primary purpose is to keep the oil in the pan, with no reason to leave the pan while it is boiling hot, either by displacement or by repelling water.