I'm sure everyone probably has their own opinion about the breakup hairstyle, which is when a relationship ends and you feel the urge to make a dramatic change in your haircut, color or style. Is it an innocent form of reckless behavior? A desperate cry for attention? An affirmation of freedom and celebration of new life? A phenomenon that is incomprehensible? Let's talk about it.

I suspect some people see the post-breakup haircut as a desperate cry for attention. A request to “notice me” without addressing the real pain underlying the action. I think the problem with this view is that it reveals the pervasive sense of shame we inflict on each other and ourselves.

I am a trauma survivor turned trauma-informed life coach. I research, think, write, and/or teach people about trauma every day, and have done so every day for several years. I mention this to give you some context about my perspective on the breakup hairstyle.

A big part of my recovery from abuse has been about learning to recognize and combat shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong,” while shame says, “I am bad.” Shame can also be expressed in other ways, such as judgment, criticism, perfectionism and guilt. We certainly inflict shame on others, but in my trauma recovery I have realized how often our harmful behaviors or thoughts toward others are direct indicators of the shame we feel for ourselves. Whether our shame was given to us by an abuser or oppressor, or whether it was developed as a painful way to understand our abuse, having unhealed shame running the show can lead to a lot of projection onto others, which brings me to the capsule after a fracture.